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Top 10 Things Guaranteed To Happen If Trump Is Elected

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1. He will say, on camera, “Mr. Obama … you’re fired!” then will mug for the camera for at least 37 minutes.

2. We will have a competitor for the worst reality show ever: “Can’t Stump the Trump!”, a “filmed live yet edited for content” type of show in which Mr. Trump walks around Washington, D.C., asking people if they know who he is and, on a scale of nine to ten, how much they love him. They will then be allowed to ask Mr. Trump one question, which he will answer immediately. John Dickerson will be listed in the credits as “Fact Checker,” but will not actually be allowed to fulfill the duties of this position.

3. He will refer to his Vice President as “The Apprentice”

4. The Grant Memorial, National Mall, Lincoln Memorial, Washington Memorial and the WWII Memorial will all be moved in order to make way for the Presidential Fairway. Anything hit into any of the museums along the way is considered “out of bounds” and may result in a two-stroke penalty.

5. Ted Nugent, American Medal of Freedom winner, will play the National Anthem every morning at 6:30 a.m. from the steps of the Capitol building, just before airing his new public access radio show, “I Hate Everything About Jew.” Sarah Palin will be hired to dance “seductively” during Nugent’s performance.

6. President Trump’s first Supreme Court appointee will be “This guy I know. He got me a great deal on some land in Scotland. They love me over there, you know. Sure, they had to change plans for some wind turbans or something, but hey – a deal is a deal!” If you correct Mr. Trump for his use of “wind turbans” instead of “wind turbines,” he will ask why you hate America.

7. The ACA is repealed, and The Bornstein Scale of Good Healthcare is rolled out immediately. Named after Trump’s personal physician, Harold Bornstein, who is immediately installed as the new Surgeon General, the Bornstein Scale of Good Healthcare is based on pre-treatment triage. Classifications include, “Astonishingly excellent,” “Bestest health ever in the history of the whole world,” “You may wanna see a doctor about that,” and, “Well, we don’t have a death panel, but if we did …”

The Trump Collection

The Trump Collection

8. Trump will streamline a new process for immigration and citizenship, but it may only be used by his personal tailor so the President can finally wear suits that are made in America.

9. All Super Bowl Halftime entertainment will be provided by monster trucks and people on motorcycles jumping through flaming hoops. If one of them crashes and dies, free Papa Johns pizza for the entire country the next day. (Limit one pizza per household.)

10. President Trump, after a three-day bender holed up in his hotel in Las Vegas, decides to prove his point. He then proceeds to shoot people in the street, immediately followed by asking the next-closest person if they still love him.

You all take care of each other and have a good day.

Clyde O. Watson


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