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Clyde’s Rulebook

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While I think Bill Maher is a jerk to many of his guests, he does make some good points sometimes. I just wish he wasn’t so smug about it, maybe then I could watch his show without hoping he gets hit by a bus on his way out of the studio. But the one thing I will take away from his show is the “New Rules” segment. Except I’m making them into my own rules. Break one of these rules … I don’t know. You might get fined, like one of those traffic cameras that sends you a ticket in the mail. I might talk about you here and tell people you’re an a-hole. Or – and this is the worst thing I can think of – I just won’t like you. I won’t respect you, I won’t listen to anything you have to say. You will be, for all intents and purposes, a non-entity to me. You will be to me what regular citizens are to members of Congress (ba-dum-tish!).

Alright, let’s get down to it.

  1. If you receive any kind of government assistance, you are not allowed to:
    • tell other people they don’t deserve government assistance
    • use the terms “socialist”, “socialism”, or any other form of the word in a derogatory manner
    • vote for a candidate without first knowing the voting record of that candidate on government safety nets and other social issues.
  2. If you have not been in the past or are currently not in the military (being married to, having a family member in or knowing someone in the military does not count), you may not:
    • vote for a candidate without first knowing the voting record of that candidate on military action
    • make statements such as but not limited to, “We should turn the whole damn place into a glass parking lot.”
    • clamor for military action, either at home or abroad
    • UNLESS: you volunteer for the military and wait for paperwork to be processed. At the time of your enlistment, you are free from all variations of Rule #2. (Other rules still apply.)
  3. If you do not know the difference between: “to, too and two”, “their, they’re and there”, “then and than”, are not aware that the term is “should have”, not “should of”, and any other 4th grade grammar rules, you may not:
    • speak in a condescending manner to anyone online, either through a voice chat medium such as Skype, in a chat room or on any type of forum
    • call anyone online degrading names, especially while violating said rules of grammar
    • TYPOS are permitted, and honestly, expected. However, continued misuse of the English language may result in public humiliation at the hands of “Grammar Nazis.”
  4. If you are a White person, you cannot:
    • reply to “Black Lives Matter” with “White Lives Matter, too!”, until White people are shot and killed by police at the same rate as Blacks
    • use the “n-word”. Period. Not when there’s no one around, not if it’s just you and a friend. Not at all.
    • If you believe this, I probably can't help you.

      If you believe this, I probably can’t help you.

      post idiotic memes to the internet like the image to the right. When the Black Panther Party OR Beyoncé’s backup dancers kill the same number of people as the Ku Klux Klan (3,446 blacks lynched in 86 years – and this doesn’t include the Catholics, Jews, Latinos…), then you can make that comparison.

    • tell the Black community what “we” need to do to fix things. I’m looking at you, Giuliani.

There are others, of course. Things like, “If you’re unemployed, you may not blame Obama until you can tell us the name and number of the bill that he signed that caused you to lose your job,” “If you’re wearing anything camo, you are not allowed to speak on television unless you are being interviewed about hunting or other outdoor activities,”, and, “If you’ve ever said, ‘You know, Ted Nugent has a good point there,’ all further opinions are null and void.”

Until next time, you all take care of each other.

Clyde O. Watson


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