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Love Letters From The NSA (or, Hey, Baby, How’d You Like To Get Snowden Together?)

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You must be the Constitution, because I want to violate you.

You must be the Constitution, because I want to violate you.

So The Wall Street Journal reports that some NSA agents have been known to use their technology and unfettered power to track (read: spy on) love interests, both current and past. It’s okay, though – an official estimates that it’s only happened handful of times in the past decade.

Because, you know, we’re supposed to totally trust what the NSA tells us. Why would they lie? It’s not like they can do what they want and then change the laws to make whatever they want to do legal. I’m sure Congress keeps them on a short leash, and Obama has promised us (and Jay Leno!) that there’s no such thing as a domestic spying program in the US.

I’m also 100% sure that when they say they want Snowden to come back to the U.S. so they can clear the whole thing up, that’s exactly what they want. It’s not like they’d put him in a prison for the rest of his life, or torture him, or make his car crash and explode or anything like that. That’s crazy talk.

“Can you understand, though, why some people might not trust what you’re saying right now…, ” a reporter asked President Barack Obama last week at a White House news conference.

“No, I can’t,” Obama said.

This thing with them spying on their love interests only happened a handful of times, but it was enough to get its own code name: LOVEINT. From the WSJ: “Spy agencies often refer to their various types of intelligence collection with the suffix of ‘INT,’ such as ‘SIGINT’ for collecting signals intelligence, or communications; and ‘HUMINT’ for human intelligence, or spying.”

So if this spying on women (or men; far be it from me to be a sexist {insert eyeroll here}) happened enough for it to get its own code name, then I’d be willing to bet that it happened more than “a handful of times in the past decade”.

And let’s be honest. It’s not like anybody believes a fucking word the NSA says anyway. When all that stuff was released after the whole Snowden deal, were you really shocked? Other countries around the world were all, “Oh, we can’t believe the US was spying on us and its own citizens, as well!” Bullshit. Every country does it. Sure, some of them are more extreme, and it doesn’t make it right, but they all do it. And anybody who says they don’t is a liar.

Wyden asked Clapper whether the NSA collected “any type of data at all on millions or hundreds of millions of Americans?”

Clapper answered, “No, sir.”

Wyden: “It does not?”

Clapper: “Not wittingly. There are cases where they could inadvertently perhaps collect but not wittingly.”

All I know is that this is one more brick in the wall between the public and their government. A really smart guy (who owned and slept with slaves) once said, “A government afraid of its citizens is a Democracy. Citizens afraid of government is tyranny!”. That’s been re-quoted to death (good thing they didn’t have Twitter back in TJ’s time, am I right?), but the point still stands. These people are supposed to work for us. We hire them by election. They, in turn, hire the people who spy on their ex-girlfriends. Both sets of people should answer to us. But they don’t. We (the common people) don’t have enough money to form our own lobby, so there’s no way any of the branches of government will listen to us. And as for the NSA, well, they apparently don’t answer to anybody anyway.

Maybe someday things will get fixed. Here’s to hoping.


For those of you who follow Twitter, there is a bright side to all of this bullshit. Check out the hashtags #NSAPickupLines#NSALovePoems, and the Twitter User known as @PRISM_NSA. If you have a sense of humor, you just might laugh at some of these.

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